9th Renewal: Adult Children Recovery and Trauma Conference
Las Vegas Hilton�February 23-26, 2005
Top Ten Insights Into Creative Living
Rev. Leo Booth, M.A. Theology, CAC, CEDC, (ACOA025-035)
BOOTH: Good afternoon, everybody. A little bit more enthusiasm, everybody. Good afternoon. Bob, there's only one thing I want to say to you, Bob. Bob, you did a great job last night, Bob. Let's give it to him! <Applause.> He did a great job. Always good to see you, Bob. Hasn't this just been a fantastic conference? Have you enjoyed yourself? <Applause.> I'm really pleased. Somebody early on came running up to me and said, �Father, I can't believe I'm meeting you. I've got all your tapes; I've read your books. It's an honor to meet you, Father Martin.� <Laughter> I said, �I'm the other one!�
We're in Las Vegas . I don't know how else to say it because we're going to talk about spirituality a little bit about me today, but seeing Sharon and Claudia, of course, Bob, Pat, John Bradshaw, and Sharon [Werkseidler-Cruz], to me it was like the Rat Pack has come back! <Laughter> You know? Do you remember like all of the old-timers, isn't it? So I thought I'd wear this black dickey. What do you think? Does this looks okay? <Applause.> This is the whole thing we are. I mean, come on now...we are in Vegas! I said it at some meetings I've been at because I've been at meetings. Sometimes you go to meetings; I mean, that's what you do. I've got to say to you that you've been a really great audience, and it makes a very big difference because I've seen you in restaurants...I mean, I'm seeing you in restrooms, which is always nice. You've got to be careful how you say hello; you can't wave too much, if you know what I mean. And we got Barry Manilow. I know Bob's already mentioned Manilow. He's singing tonight, right? Do you know that when I lift up my toilet and flush, I hear Barry Manilow. <Laughter> No, I hear Barry Manilow! I'll tell you, it makes everything you do so much easier. And don't...never, never knock going to the toilet. It's very spiritual. Going to the toilet is spiritual. If you didn't go to the toilet, you could die. Have you ever thought about that? Seriously. If you went three weeks, four weeks, and people would say, �Why did she die?� �She never went to the toilet.� Sometimes it's the most spiritual thing that's going to happen all day.
It's been a great year for me, by the way. It's been a wonderful year for me. This year I celebrated 27 years in recovery. <Applause.> Also, I had a colonoscopy exam. Now I walk with a freedom like I've never had before. <Laughter> It was a privilege for me, by the way, especially when you're the last speaker. I really enjoy this, but for me to be able to meet Miguel [Cruz], it's the first time I've been at a conference with him. An amazing man; he is what he says, and he says what he is.
I think for many of us, especially those of us raised in religious backgrounds, he's probably where many of us are moving to and there's a sense in which we're going. You may not know this, and the reason you don't know it, by the way, is I haven't told you. That's why you don't know. I was raised Catholic, by the way, by the Jesuits. Just so you know that. I said to a group of people I was with yesterday, �We've had some pretty good popes.� I'm serious, we've had some pretty good popes. We had Pope John XXIII. I don't know whether you know, he was a very funny pope...great sense of humor. Once he was asked the question by Malcolm [Muggerige], �Your Holiness, how many people work at the Vatican ?� He said, �About half.� <Laughter> That's a pope I can follow!
I was an Episcopal priest for 35 years, just for you to know. Now I've moved to the Unity ministry. <Applause.> Ahh, speak to me, gypsy. Unity, yes. Interdenominational�many, many paths to God...many, many paths to God, and that's what I believe. I hope that regardless of who you are, by the way, I mean, I love to have a sense of humor and I would never intend to offend anybody. I hope nobody's going to be offended...no need to be offended. We're here to have a good time, am I right? By the way, we've had a good time, but we're still here. It's not over yet, and I hope that I'm going to say one or two things to you that are going to make all of the difference in the world because those things were said to me.
What I was saying to you, many, many paths to God. Some of you are on a religious path; some of you are not religious at all. Don't worry about it.
I said in one of the books I wrote, spirituality is God-given; you see, religion has been often man made. You know, religion sometimes has divided people. Spirituality teaches the world to hold hands. And believe it or not, we're here to hold hands...to be the kind of people we were meant to be. When I first met Peter Vegso, Gary Seidler, oh, 25 years ago, Gary had hair, and it was the beginning of this ACoC. And already even though we were wounded and even though we were hurt, there was a sense in which so many of us maybe for the first time realized that we could live and we could be free. And by the way, that was the message of Miguel. It's really your choice.
Someone said to me when I was at the bookstore at the back, they said, �Are you nervous?� I'm not nervous. Why would I be nervous of you? Nobody in this room has ever hurt me. Nobody in this room made my mother or father cry. I'm not afraid of any of you. Do you want to know who is the one person who caused problems in Leo's life? Leo. I don't know about you, but I've been the single biggest problem in my life. By the way, if I've been the single biggest problem in my life, I can be also the solution, and that's what I'm inviting you to consider today. I want you to be free to come out of the box because this is the last of the talks. Believe me, we're going out on a high note, and this had nothing to do with what I'm going to do. I'm not going to give you anything you don't already have. But I'll tell you something: We're going to let this Hilton Casino know we've been here. I've certainly let them know already. I played black jack last night. I tell you, I won $150. Not bad. I was only playing with $40. Do you think I've got a problem? I don't think so, not $40! Having a little fun. When you're in Vegas...tell me if I'm...by the way, also, because some of you are interested in this...did I see any shows? Yes, I saw shows. I saw the Blue Men, and they were blue. They were really blue! And last night I went to see Circque du Soleil�good. It was good, really good. A lot of water, cool clear water. It was like I felt like going for a swim there was that much water...people in swimming costumes. It's like California . No, it's beautiful, so I've enjoyed myself. I've really enjoyed myself. I ate a good meal�shrimps! Now shrimps, they always do it. Shrimps.
By the way, all of this is spiritual. I'm serious! How else are you going to have fun, being miserable? I said to my Episcopal congregation recently, �Are you happy?� They didn't know! They turned to each other and said, �Are we happy? Are we happy?� <Laughter> Then one of them said, �We're happy.� I said, �Tell your face! Just take a minute, tell your face because your face doesn't know!�
Conference attendees of the ACoC's, are you happy? <Unison �yeah�s.> Come on! That's it, give it to me. Hit me with it, baby. Oh, sweetie sweet! No, I'm telling you. I know you're tired. You worked hard listening to John Bradshaw. I mean, it's tiring work listening to John. Patrick, Sharon , I'll tell you, heavy stuff. I'm sure many of you cried. Many of you got in touch with things you haven't been in touch with for years.
By the way, some of you made the decision to change your lives after this conference. Believe you me, it's going to be up to you. Remember the old saying, pray and move your feet. If you want to have something in your life, be prepared to create it. Now we're in Vegas; we can do whatever we want in Vegas. Every day is Christmas; every day is Hanukkah�I don't want to miss anybody out. Everybody's new year�you want to make it whatever you want. And for that reason, because I've noticed Barry Manilow has been singing...I know! I've got to keep mentioning it because you may have missed it. You may not know he's here. You may be confused. You may go out saying, �Oh, I didn't know the Blue Men were here.� No, they're not. Barry's here! Let's all say it together�Barry's here! <unison> Okay Barry, send some other people who have been singing, but I've not heard you sing. I have not heard you sing. And I'll tell you something, you're going to sing! Oh, hey, are you going to sing, because I know something about ACoC, my God, can they sing.
Now what you're going to sing about is something, at some level you probably think, �What is he going to ask...� by the way, you're going to know what we're going to sing, and it's about an alcoholic, and it's about a child of an alcoholic, and it's about somebody who's been abused, and it's about somebody who's been hurt, and it's about somebody who's lost. Every time we come to that time of Christmas and Hanukkah and that time of year, there are these Christmas carols that are sung. And you know, a lot of people say this Christmas carol is for children. Let me tell you something, it's not for children. We're going to sing it now, and you're going to say, �What are we going to sing?� I'm going to tell you. You can sing it with me after three. And by the way, put your heart in it. We've been hearing a lot from Barry; let Barry hear from us. <Laughter> Yeah, Barry, bless him. He could be sitting on the toilet, and he's going to hear us. We'll make Barry's day; it'll never be the same again. Can we get ready? Come on now, don't be shy! One, two, three, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...Sing to me! ... had a very shiny nose ...Oh, sing it! ...and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. Oh, come on, now! All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names; they'd never let poor Rudolf ...Oh, beautiful! ... join in any reindeer games . Tell me then what happened! Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, What did he say? Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight? Then all the reindeer loved him ...keep it up now, come on! ... as they shouted out with glee ...Beautiful! ... Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history ... Finale! You'll go down in history ! Oh, beautiful. <Applause.>
Do you remember when John Bradshaw said to us we should think about poetry? I want you to think about this. Rudolph was different because he had a red nose. Some people thought he was alcoholic. Rudolph had a red nose, and here's the key, and every adult child here, you hear me now: They used to laugh and call him names . Shame. Believe you me, Rudolph was at the back. He was at the back because he had shame. You see, he was different.
You're a child of an alcoholic, and you don't understand the alcoholism. You don't understand the fighting, but you smell it. You smell it in the house; and at four and five years of age, you understand that something's different. People can't even bring your friends home. Some of you've been here, 30, 40 years of age, do you know something? The pain and the shame is still there. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you see, was different. If you're a gay person here, a lesbian, you know what it is to be different and to be shamed.
Maybe you are not a child of an alcoholic, but you are a child of abuse. Your father and your mother may not have been alcoholic, but they abused you and they hurt you and they brought you down, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I'll say to you this afternoon that everybody here can identify with Rudolph because everybody here knows what it is to be at the back.
Then on a foggy Christmas Eve�but it doesn't have to be Christmas�you hear a voice. Now some of you, it may be God, some of you it may be Jesus, some of you it may be Spirit, but there's a voice, and that voice calls to you and that voice is saying to you, �You can stay at the back as long as you want to stay at the back, or you can move to the front.�
Now believe you me, there is a difference between magic and miracle. This is Vegas. Years ago, when I went to see Siegfried and Roy, elephants disappeared. Go back the next night, same elephants. Sawed a woman...sawed a woman in two. Don't know how they do it. Half of her goes one way, waving; other half, little legs. Next night, same woman. By the way, if you want magic, you can have magic. Magic's a trick.
But when you come to the conference of ACoC's, we're not talking about magic. Now sometimes people use that word, but it isn't magic. You don't want magic. We've had enough tricks in our lives, enough problems in our lives. You see, a miracle is something different. A miracle is something else. In the Scriptures you read Moses led the Israelites through the Red Sea, and they divided the Red Sea . The people�they were good people�didn't know which way they were going. They knew they were going away from Pharaoh, and then the sea opened up�ten feet over here, ten feet over here� and the people said to Moses, �Which way are we going?� and he said, �Through there.� �You've got to be joking! We just came from this...�
Believe you me, you've got to do something to get something. Any of you here who are familiar with any of the Gospel stories, the lepers had to walk; and if they didn't walk, they weren't healed. The blind man, Bartimaeus, shouted. Some of you even remember about a group of friends who had a paralyzed man and actually knocked down a roof in order to lay him at the feet of the Jewish Messiah. Believe you me, ladies and gentlemen, you have to do something to get something. Now it's up to you.
Why am I saying this to you? Because you've just been singing �Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer�� And then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say �now, you listen to this; here's a question� Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you ...won't you...? If I'm not mistaken, that's a question. Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Now I'll tell you something, what isn't in the song is that just for a minute you've got Rudolph, and Rudolph, just for a minute is thinking to himself because all of the other reindeer, you see, have turned around to look. Won't you come up and guide my sleigh tonight ? Now he's been in shame for how many years? Then out of the silence you suddenly hear a little cough, and Rudolph slowly moves to the front. I'll tell you something, now all of the reindeer love him, and they shout out loud with glee, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you will go down in history .
Miguel Ruiz said to every one of us, what kind of life do you want? Make a choice. John Bradshaw, Claudia, Patrick Carnes, everybody said, �I can't believe, after where I was, I'm doing this!� But don't you see they've moved?
Twenty-seven years ago, I was sitting�I was sitting!�and my mother turned around and said, �I love you enough to let you go.� My mother had never said that to me before...27 years ago, �I love you, Leo, enough to let you go.� And by the way, that was the beginning of my transformation.
See, anybody that comes on the stage as a speaker and offers you magic, believe you me, be very, very guarded because magic is a trick. You work, you create, you write, you teach, you travel. Some of you last night were able to see the birth of CoA's movement that started so many years ago with Claudia and Bob and Sharon. And so many of us, including myself, had a chance, just a chance, to begin to write and to begin to dream and to begin to have a chance. But it didn't start like it is now.
We have a history, and every one of us who has been able to do something in our lives that some people may say, �That was a good thing� is because we saw the miracle that is within. And I have had for the last twenty years the joy and the privileges of being able to share with some of you�not all of you because for some of you, I'm new to you. You don't know me. I don't know you. But I can tell you in one sentence what I've always been saying, and that is spirituality and religion is not the same. I'm very proud of my religious background; I hope that you are proud of yours. But I must say to you, we know that some people have been hurt. John Bradshaw talked about it. Patrick Carnes talked about it. But you see, just because there have been wounds doesn't mean to say that religion or your religion or your denomination is under criticism; it's not. I can dance with the Baptists, and I'll dance with the Jew, and I'll dance with the Hindu, and I'll dance with the Muslim. And I'll also dance with the Native-American and I'll dance with the person who's on their spiritual path because, you see, spirituality is the golden thread, and it's the golden thread that connects us all. Amazing!
I've spent my whole life in religion. By the way, oh, by the way, religion sometimes can be funny. It doesn't mean to be funny, but it can be funny. I'm serious! There is a billboard outside of Vegas that says, if you look at it outside it's the church billboard that says �Don't let the worry kill you; let the church help.� <Laughter> It's on the billboard!
At my Episcopal church at Easter, we put in the bulletin�we didn't mean to do it; it was a mistake��This morning's sermon: Jesus Walks on the Water. This evening's sermon: Searching for Jesus.� <Laughter> We didn't mean to say it! We didn't mean to say it! And you've already heard, the Methodist Church in London ...oh, the Methodist Church in London , great. When they talked of an outreach to people with low self-esteem, and so he wrote down in the notices: �This Wednesday there will be a meeting for people with low self-esteem. 7:30. Please, use the back door.� <Laughter> They didn't mean to say it! They didn't mean to say it! And by the way, let me say to you, it's very important, one of the most wonderful things in the world when we're at a spirituality conference is to be able to laugh. We've been working hard for the last three days. We need a little bit of a laugh. I mean, look at you! Some of you are dragging. I can see you. I see you dragging, so you need a little bit of a lift. I'll tell you, it's never failed: If you find it hard to laugh, go up to your room. Take all of your clothes off, and look into the mirror! <Laughter> You'll find something. I'll tell you, God's got a sense of humor. And if you're still not laughing, invite next door in!
Believe me...you know, we take ourselves too seriously. You've got to get light. And by the way, when you're light, you'll go to another level. Spirituality, I'll give it to you in one line. If you've got pen and paper, write it down. One line, and I've lived it for 20 years. I say to myself three or four times a day. It's one line. It's my affirmation, an affirmation I've used every day for 20 years: Spirituality is being positive and creative. In other words, I try to be positive and I try to be creative. Why? Because when I was drinking, I was negative and destructive. I know what it is to be negative; I know what it is to be destructive.
When I was drinking, I didn't polish my shoes. When I was drinking, I didn't make my bed. When I was drinking, I never flossed. It's not like a drunk wakes up and says, �I've got to floss. I've just got to floss before I go out.� <Laughter>
Today, I'll tell you, today I polish my shoes, today I make my bed, and today I floss. You've seen me at this conference; you know that. And I said hello to you first, and I want you to remember that. I didn't know you, but I saw your badge. I didn't know you, but I came up. I didn't know you, because you probably realize, maybe 20 percent of you that are here were at the conferences years ago. So many of you are new faces to this powerful movement of ACoC's.
Because, you see, if you really believe what Miguel says, and you believe from your tradition whatever it is, that is respect that we are brothers and sisters, if you believe it, not say it. Goodness gracious me, anybody can say anything. You can say anything you like. How many people say they love God but they don't seem to say hello to their neighbor? Just look around this world, believe you me, it's not what you say; it's what you do.
I have tried since I've been at this conference to say hello to you. Why? Because you're important. I don't know that it's been said up to this point, but I'm going to say it, and that is spirituality is about connection. You've got to connect. Speakers who are going to make a difference in your life are going to connect. You don't learn from people that you don't like, because you switch them off. If you don't like something, you don't learn from them. I'm very good at theater, I'm very good at philosophy, I'm very good at theology and religion, but I'm no good at French because my French teacher didn't like me and I didn't like him. <Laughter> I'm serious; he was French. It's a shame. I couldn't help it, but he was. The bottom line, of course, is you learn from the people. And that's also going to be true for you with the speakers.
And by the way, some of you who work in treatment centers, that's also true for you in the treatment center. If you don't make a connection, it doesn't make any difference how much you know. How many of you have been listening to lectures from people, not at this conference but at other workshops that you go to, and people with Ph.D.s�two Ph.D.'s!�I call it �Fud, fud.� Say it with me, �Fud, fud.� Say it with me! <Laughter> No, say it with me, �Fud, fud.� Some of them have two! �Fud, fud!� I'll tell you what, it's still boring. Fud-fud's can be boring. I'm telling you something, we're laughing here...we're laughing here when you say, �Oh, it's funny! Funny Fud-fud!�
I want you to understand, if you've got a son or you've got a daughter in a treatment center, it ain't something to laugh about. You know that I'm Spiritual Director of Renaissance in Malibu , and by the way, a different type of program. Renaissance is more high end, more executives, but in a different program...in the Ranch in Tennessee . With both, I try to connect with the patients�by the way, also the staff, otherwise why am I there? You place your hand in the hand of God. Now that's up to you.
By the way, I'm not against reading; I love reading. You want to know that I love reading. I read probably about one, sometimes two books a month. I always read. If I can get the New York Times �I live in LA; just for you to know, I live in LA. Some people always ask, �Where do you live?� One person thought I flew in from England . No. But I am from England . Although one lady here, she got real confused. She thought I was from The Philippines. I'm not from The Philippines; I'm from England . By the way, do you want to know something funny? I got sober on the Fourth of July in England ! We don't keep the Fourth of July in England . It's a waste of tea...throwing all of that tea!
Why I'm saying this to you is this: You've heard Miguel...well, you've heard all of the speakers. Claudia did an excellent job. How are you going to be yourself and have the joy you deserve�it is your right�unless you can first let go of the things that hold you back?
Let me tell you something, connection is the key. Whether you're a therapist, whether you're a mother, whether you're a father, or whether you're a speaker, or whether you're a writer, because if you don't connect...spirituality is about connection. You connect mentally, you connect emotionally, and, of course, you connect physically. That's why we don't do it so much now because of all of this sexual harassment and the boundaries, but 15 or 20 years ago, everybody was hugging one another.
I remember once at a church, a woman, she must have been 70 years of age. When she got a hold of me, she started hugging me, and she didn't let go! She was hanging...70 years old. I shook her; she lost her teeth. She was hanging on and...she said to me, �You know, Father Leo, I live alone. I live in an apartment in LA. I live alone. We go, we come, we go, we close; you're the only person I've ever hugged.� I'm saying this to you because if you think you can escape in alcohol and you think you can escape in drugs and you think you can escape in sex and we think...we know you can escape in foods, don't think you cannot escape in knowledge. It's not enough, and it's never been enough. Think of the people who've touched your life, not necessarily the brightest, but they have something, and that's what I'm talking to you about. I want you to read. I want you to understand.
First of all, what I want to share with you, I am not an ACoC, but I am an adult child of abuse. ACoA for me wasn't Adult Children of Alcoholics...Adult Child of Abuse, and my abuse was rage. Do you want to know something? I'm sitting here, I'm listening to Claudia, twenty years ago...John...whoever it was, because in those days there were a lot of people talking about CoA's. And I'm sitting here, and I'm not a CoA, but they said, �You don't talk, you don't trust, you don't feel,� and I said, �You've got me.� I mean, I talk but I don't talk about the real things. Of course you talk. I mean, nobody goes around not talking, but you don't talk talk. You don't trust. How could you trust? How could you trust when you're in a family of rage? You don't trust, you don't talk, and you don't let anybody know how you feel.
Listen, I'm not a CoA. There are many forms of abuse. I don't even know to this day�perhaps they do to this day�but what a door, what a door that they opened when they said that this abuse affects the children. Period. Now we heard a lot about sexual abuse. By the way, there's an abuse of poverty. You don't hear much of that. It's hard being poor.
My mother used to say�my mother was funny! Do you want to know where I got my sense of humor from? From my mother. It was my mother who said to me, she said to me years ago, �Anybody who tells you money isn't important, has it; because if you can't feed your children and you've got no money to turn on the gas...� And by the way, I said to you that I went to see the Blue Men, and I went to see Cirque de Soleil. Oh, so you wanted to go, but you can't afford it? Oh, yeah! See, it's easy to say that money isn't important when you've got it. So many things are. Then all of the sudden people suddenly start to get real, and spirituality, believe you me, is about being real.
You know, I may be the last speaker, but there may be something that I'm saying to you that you need to hear. By the way, it's been wrapped up in all of these lectures, but this�Shh!�right over to you�you've got some work to do with yourself. How do you come across? If you're so happy in the spiritual life, how do you come across? If you're so content in your life...because if you're controlling and you're stiff and you're angry and you're not positive and you're not creative unless it's on your terms, hello! And by the way, when I say that to you, don't think for one minute that I don't say it to me. And you can talk about prayers, and you can talk about going to the Synagogue or going to mass or going to a Buddhist temple...I had a housekeeper once, she had so many statues. I'm telling you! In her car, crucifixes, beads. I'm telling you, there were beads, I've never seen so many beads! She had every saint. She even had, do you know those little dogs that go like this with their heads?�Some of you may have one! She had the Pope. She crashed the car. She couldn't see out of the window, all of the statues! <Laughter> She crashed the car! Now, if you want magic, you go, go, go!
Let me tell you something, it doesn't matter whether it's Buddha, it doesn't matter whether it's Mohammed, it doesn't matter whether it's Jesu or any particular guru you want, you think. Anybody who wants your mind, you think, and you'll be able to make the choices that you make. You ask yourself whether you're positive and creative. It doesn't take a minute...it doesn't take a minute to say hello. It doesn't take a minute. It doesn't take a minute to smile, and that's how I recognized you in this hotel because we were the ones who were smiling. We were the ones who were saying hello. We were the ones who were reaching out.
Look at the faces of the people. I was fortunate last night to win, what, $130...$150...something. Take the $40 out, and I win $110. I played with $40. I saw people win as much as $2,000 or $3,000, and they didn't break a smile. Now I tell you, life is for living. Life is for living, and I know a little bit about it because in my alcoholism, I found my spirituality�by the way, born into religion; found my spirituality in recovery. See, I was an alcoholic priest, so I've always said if you were an alcoholic and a nurse, you were drunk in the hospital. If you were an alcoholic and a housewife, you were drunk in the house. If you're a priest, I was drunk in the church.
I remember once doing a funeral, drunk...followed the coffin into the hole. <Laughter> I tell you, it's real scary if you hear the �Amen's� coming from above. But it was an Irish funeral and nobody noticed. Somebody said, �There's a priest in the hole full of dirt praying. Let's get him out...let's get him out!� <Laughter> Now you think I'm joking, but I'll tell you, I got out but nobody said anything about it because that's what they thought priests did: Find a hole; go straight in. I carried on; just for you to know, I carried on.
I've always said this to you and I've said it many times, my crisis came at a baptism. It's really true. I'd been drinking. I wasn't drunk but I was mellow. You know, when you're mellow you think you can do anything. �Give me the baby.� I took the baby, and baptized the baby �in the name of the Holy Spirit, Daphne,� just like that. It just rippled off my tongue. The mother screamed. She said, �Father Leo, it's a little boy!� I said, �I don't care what the hell it is; it's Daphne now.� How do you make amends to a thing like that? All you need to know is she got in touch with the bishop. Oh, yeah, and a bishop is an employer dressed in purple. All you need to know is, I went to see the bishop, and he said to me�he was real clear�he was a small man, and he looked at me straight in the eyes, and he said, �Have you been drinking? Have you been drinking?� See if you can identify with this: �Who, me? I swear on the Bible...�
He didn't believe me. All you need to know is that led to a moment because I was to drink again, and I had a car crash, and I'll tell you, I was sitting. Just for a minute it was like a flashback when Miguel Ruiz talked about a car crash. I wrote a book called Spirituality and Recovery , and Health Communications originally published that book. Any of you that have that book will see that there was a chapter called �A Moment,� and it was a car crash. I'll tell you, I was sitting at the side of the road, and I was bleeding and I was hurt. And I'm telling you, this was real; this was on the third of July. Remember, I got sober on the Fourth of July. This was my last. On the third of July, 1977, I'm sitting on the road, and I had a moment and I saw me. I saw me bleeding, I saw me hurt, and I saw me. Now, you must remember this is me seeing me; I heard Miguel say the same. By the way, for some of you, same for you.
For some of us, it's a car crash. Maybe for you, maybe for you, you woke up in a jail. You know you're not a criminal. Maybe for you, the woman you love, and you've loved that woman for many years, and do you know what? She's bleeding because you hit her. There are many moments. Maybe for you, don't let anybody say...hey, don't let anybody say that you don't love your children; but, you know, your children don't want to be with you.
See, every one of us here has a moment. I'd love to be able to tell you that because you had a moment, it means you were home and dry; but if you want to know, the real miracle is keeping the moment alive. Say it with me: Keeping the moment...say it now! Keeping the moment. Last time: Keeping the moment alive.
And by the way, that's why we come to these conferences. Do you want to know why we come and we keep coming? That's why we go to recovery meetings because you hear what it was like, and what happened is �the moment,� and what it's like now. <Phone rings.> If that's Jesus, tell him I'll call him back; if it's his mother, I'll take it. I'm no fool!
All I want to share with you now, and I want you to hear me now, is keeping the moment alive. Most of you here are in the health-care profession, and most of you are connected with or refer to treatment centers. Believe you me, treatment centers are only as good as the people who are there. <Applause.> And it's real simple; you can't live on a reputation. It's who's there, who's doing the work, and whether there is that connection. And by the way, that's been the magic of this conference because at this conference we've been fortunate enough to be able to be with people who over the years have consistently�Sharon, Diana Cruz, Joe Cruz, her husband; people like Patrick; people like Bob Ackerman, and so many. By the way, so many; and do you know what? Over the years, and over the years they've made connection. You don't know this? The reason you don't know it, haven't I told you, when I was in treatment in 1977, they showed a movie. The movie they showed was Chalk Talk , and it was about Father Joe Martin. He touched my life. I never thought I'd ever meet the man.
And by the way, that's also about spirituality. It's not theory. So when I wrote this book, Say Yes to Life , and by the way, I wrote Say Yes to Life because that's what I believe because I know what it was like to be saying yes to death. So I have this vision the first thing in the morning you're sitting on your toilet reading this book, and I'm in Los Angeles sitting on my toilet reading the book, and just for a moment we're connected. <Laughter> It's a powerful thought.
But the bottom line I want to share with you is...look at the time! Do you believe it? Didn't it go quick? What I'm going to do now for you, I'm going to give you ten insights...ten insights. And by the way, this is from a workbook. I understand from the bookstore there's only this one copy left, but it's the bookstore's, it's not mine. So if any of you want the book, please come get it because it's only this one. But it's a workbook that I've done on spirituality, and I want to give you the ten insights.
As every speaker has said to you, the reason I did this was that I wanted a spirituality that's not the same as religion. I wanted a spirituality that included Christians and non-Christians, gay lesbians, those people from other traditions. For me, spirituality is for all people or it's for no people. It's real clear. And because I'm a theologian�by the way, John Bradshaw also�some people are claimed psychologists; mine is theology and philosophy. I wanted to help you, the therapist, understand the difference between spirituality and religion�not just to say it. It's easy to say it, but how do you work a program around it? A scientist can do science, and a medical man can do medicine; maybe a theologian can help us understand.
By the way, those of us who are in 12-step programs know the power of this because Rickard Niva, who is a Lutheran, gave us a prayer that so many of us love so much. Reinhold Niebuhr, don't think that the Serenity Prayer is anonymous; it's not anonymous. The author is Reinhold Niebuhr. He was a Lutheran minister. The prayer was: �God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.� By the way, there were three other stanzas besides that one. That was the one we use.
What I'm going to do, do you want to write it down? Because some of you want to write things down because you're ACoA's, you just love to write it down. God's sake, what would you be like without a pen and paper?
First one, here it is: What is your understanding of spirituality? I would ask you, not now, but I would ask you in the time that you have when you go away from here for you to be able to sit down and say �If I was going to put it in a sentence,� because you've already said to so many people �It's not the same as religion.� For me it's very much a partnership with God. In other words, I want to dance in God. I want to be with God. For some people, they could go further and say they are God. Different people. Different people say it in different ways. That's the beauty of language, John Bradshaw...poetry. Every one of us here is called to be the poet we were meant to be. You write down for yourself, for your clients, for your treatment center, what does it mean? You know for me, one sentence: to be positive and creative. It's very clear for me because my God is a positive God and a creative God. Look what he's done around this room. So that is the first of the great insights.
The second one is get honest. There is no spiritual tradition in the history of humankind that has not involved honesty. That's why some of you, the hardest thing you ever did wasn't admitting your alcoholism; it was facing the fact that you were gay or lesbian. A gentleman came up to me�I don't know how old he is, but he's a senior gentleman�and shared his sexual abuse by priests. See, there is an honesty that will make us free, and we have to be able to go to that place. For some of us it's the dark place; for some of us it's the place of shadow. And by the way, another word for honesty is one you're going to love as adult children as I love it, and that is to be real. Remember The Velveteen Rabbit , �What is real?� That one line in The Velveteen Rabbit , �You can't be ugly ever again except to people who don't understand.�
There have been speakers on this platform who have taken that honesty to you and entrusted it to you, and then shared with you not only the addictions you knew about, but some of the challenges in their lives. It is unquestionably true that when you can be honest, you're free because what then can anybody do to you? And by the way, what I loved, I had a chance, Sharon, who I was talking to the other day, Sharon [Werkschneider]-Cruz said to me that for a while she went out...she got away from doing conferences for a while. Then she realized, you know, some of this she still likes, she still loves, and has a very powerful role in so many people's lives with the training. You can always come back. Say it with me: I can always go back. See, you don't feel so fixed. You can go forward. Sometimes we've got to go back a bit. Let the poet in you come out because life is complicated. What is it, the first line of Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Traveled , �Life is difficult.� Then believe you me, there are going to be sometimes different solutions for each of us here.
The third great insight that we've learned in ACoC's, the third one is facing family-of-origin issues. What I do with this workbook is the first week is on spirituality. Your second week is getting honest, and I mean honest about all kinds of things. Many of you have not heard me talk about my father's rage. Remember, I'm not from an alcoholic home, but I'm from a father who could get tremendous rage...tremendous rage. My father's rage was such that he would never hit me, he'd never hit my mother, but I'll tell you, my father would hit himself�hit himself...hit himself�and my sister and I would try so very hard to stop him from hurting himself. His rage was not taken out on us�although, of course it was emotionally. You don't know how many years I said that my father never hit me until I came to workshops and conferences like this, and I realized that every time I cried and every time I screamed as a young boy to stop my father hitting himself, I was also hit.
Now I shared this with you because, you see, it's not easy because both of my parents are dead now. They lived in England until they were 91 years old, and they were married for 68 years. All I'm trying to share with you is it's my story. You know, sometimes you find that there are quite a few people who are funny and funny...funny people. Some people say they're like comedians or clowns. Often the pain of their families...because you have no idea how important it was for me to find a place where I could laugh.
So many of you maybe, since you've been here, you suddenly are starting to look at some things you never looked at before. So you do spirituality the first week, the second week get honest, third week face your family-of-origin issues. I don't need to go into it, but there's been so much about sexual abuse; please don't miss the toxicity of being raised with an angry God, a judgmental God, a God who could send you, I mean, right here, right now, to hell. Sometimes you've got to lighten it because it's heavy stuff.
Do you want to know why people can't talk about sexual abuse? Because we didn't talk about sex. Do you want to know why people still to this day and for a very, very long time to come will find it hard to talk about sexual addiction is because we don't talk about sex. I'll tell you why is because many of us religiously, Catholic and Protestant and Jewish and Muslim...we're finding out a lot more about some of the teachings of Islam with regards to women and with regards to sex. You'll find it in Orthodox Judaism that somehow or other there is something. And I've got to tell you, you start to put together, even though it's not said, you start to put together and it's kind of inferred and you kind of get the energy that sex is dirty. Sex is dirty. Let's all of us say together, �Sex is not dirty.� Say it with an attitude. Say it with an attitude that only we can adopt here at the Adult Child Conference. One, two, three. <Audience in unison: Sex is not dirty.> Say it again. <Audience in unison: Sex is not dirty.> It's messy. <Laughter> I mean, you've got to admit that. It's messy, but it's not dirty. By the way, it's certainly not sinful.
Number four, and I gave you the caveat: Challenge unhealthy beliefs and attitudes. Challenge unhealthy beliefs and attitudes. Why am I saying this to you? We've got people who stay in treatment three months. We've got people who are in treatment, I'm not joking now, six months. We've got people who are there a long time. Now let me share with you something that's really important, and I know you know it's true, okay? Boring treatment is no treatment. The enemy is to be bored, and the disease will take you right [AMA]. Say it with me, �Boring treatment is no treatment.� That's why you've got to make sure your treatment program has got some things going on that are exciting. By the way, same with conferences, because I'll tell you, people vote with their feet. If you want to go to a program that is exciting and challenging, by the way, for the patients and for the family. I heard Sharon talk about that...the family, what are we doing for the family? People have been flying all over the place. Six months away from your wife. Three months away from your wife and children. What's happening to the children? Some of us have got the courage to face that. Believe you me, it was established a long time ago; you're not doing a lot of favors for the person who is addicted if you don't also treat the family because that's where they're going back. Hello!
I did this workbook in the hope that people would have this in their families. Some of you use other workbooks like The Courage to Change . There are a lot of workbooks out there. All of them I hope are trying to achieve the same thing. I'm just letting you know this one that I've done is around that inclusive spirituality.
Next one, Insight Five, listen to your feelings.
Number Six, after you've listened and gotten in touch with your feelings, share your feelings. Sometimes it takes time to know how you feel�to feel the shame, feel the guilt, feel the anger. You're not going to get it in a day. It can't be done in a day and then get out of it. I really do believe that many of you got in touch with a lot of things. I was looking at the titles of these workshops, and I heard some, I went into some, but I'll tell you, some real heavy stuff�psychodramas, some real, real stuff. That was yesterday, yesterday afternoon. We're leaving to go home today. You know, feelings. I'm an Englishman. You know, English people, we're not raised with feelings. I mean, we have them but nobody talks about them.
Do you remember Mrs. Thatcher? When she went on a honeymoon, she went alone...she went alone. Only joking! I liked Maggie, too, but I'll tell you something, how can you love somebody if you can't show them how you feel? And how can you love and be loved without the sharing of feelings? Occasionally I catch people who have been married or in a relationship, and I see them as they're sitting listening to the speaker as they're sitting next to one another, and I see a little hand come out, and I see them hold...it's wonderful.
Speakers, sometimes you're sitting with the speaker, and you're sitting and you're seeing them getting an award and your marriage...you can't really help but cry. I was talking to Joe Cruz, talking to Sharon, talking to Bob, you know, it's like years ago when we were doing this what was relatively pioneer work, we were like a family. We saw each other often three or four times a year. Joe Cruz and I used to smoke cigarettes, and we used to take the cigarettes when we used to stay at Dr. Conway's house�remember that Joe? There's Joe right at the back there with his wife Sharon�and we were still smoking cigarettes, and we would blow smoke through the toilet window so nobody would know. I'm serious! We were 30, 40 years old...50 years old, like little kids hoping Dr. Conway Hunter didn't find out. <Puff, puff.> <Laughter> I'm serious. Then one morning he was there in his dressing gown. �What are you doing?� <Laughter> That's how Conway used to say it. �What are you doing, Leonard?� He used to always call me Leonard. I kept saying my name was Leo. His name was Conway; I should have called him Cong. �Hey, Dr. Cong!�
You know, some of you have had those feelings. By the way, go see Finding Neverland. God, that'll get you crying. By the way, also Ray . Then what about Million Dollar Baby? Goddess of the Politics . I'm sharing this with you: I'm a man who can cry. I'm a man who can laugh, and I'm a man who can cry. I know how to love, and I know how to be loved. It's taken a long time. By the way, I've got a long way to go, but I know where I've come from.
Insight Eight�Eight! We're coming to Eight!�<Inaudible comment from audience.> Okay, just checking! Do you want to know what it is? Learning to let go because every one of us has baggage. I'm serious. You know, we laugh because it's funny. I mean, some things are just funny. I mean, a plastic bag...I don't think it's funny, but it's baggage. Some of you were born poor. Some of you had sexual abuse. Some of you were given such a scary god...such a scary god, I can't imagine it. I had rage. I'm telling you, if you never lived in rage...I'm not talking anger; I lived in rage. So guess what? The son has become a comedian. Do you think I don't know? Don't think I don't know.
There are some people, and we don't often talk about it at ACoA conferences, but what about racism? By the way, what about homophobia? What about when you were put down? Can you imagine standing in a line and just because you came from another country or you had another color or you spoke a different language? I tell you, so much baggage...so much baggage. And when we start to look at our lives, and by the way, we are so privileged because in many parts of the world, many countries, we do not have the advancement of what we have now, but all of the craziness is there. But you know, some of us are getting better and some of us are healing and some of us are able to have a life again, but you've got to let go of the baggage. You know, if you don't let go, you're going to take this into everything you ever do. Let go. And by the way, spirituality. I've never been one, and people who've known me for a long time, I'm real clear. Whatever spirituality is, it isn't just about saying prayers. And as important as it is, it's not just about meditation. It's also about bringing that transformation in your life. Sometimes to do that you've got to let go. By the way, do you remember what my mother said the day before I went into treatment? �I love you enough to let you go. I'm not going to pray for you. I'm not going to make excuses. I love you enough...I want you to think about your life.�
For me, most of us are getting on airplanes this afternoon and going home, and my want for you is let go of crazy. Say it with me: �I'm going to let go of crazy.� <audience in unison.> Say it with attitude, �I'm going to let go...� <audience in unison.> I'll tell you, if you hang around with crazy, you go crazy. Say you've got crazy waiting for you at home. You know; you can see them now. You've got a whole lot of crazies; they're waiting for you at home. You've been talking to them on the phone. You know what they're going to say: �How was the conference? How was the conference?� Go home and say, �It was about you, you fool!� <Laughter>
Oh, I love this one. Okay, I love this one. Co-creation�when you're able place your hand in the hand of God. When you're able to dance in God. When you're able to dance in spirit. When you can be free to laugh and to have fun. Insight Eight is Co-creation. Martin Luther King said �We need not only pray; we need to be prepared to march. We prayed for 200 years; now's the time to march,� and some of you have done the same thing because you've stood up to the abuse and you dared to say, �I'm not going to take this. I'm not going to take this any more.� You don't think that's the most spiritual thing? Co-creation is when you place your hand in the hand of God. You're not expecting God to do things for you that you know you should be doing yourself. Pay your bills. Be responsible. If somebody says to you they want you to do something, be there. And remember, because we've read a lot about using, don't use people. It's easy to do. I want you to think about where you've come from, your place of work, where you work, your agency, and you ask yourself, �Is my agency, is my home, a spiritual place?� because if it's a spiritual place, there will be healing. and the healing will not only come from the God of our understanding, but the healing will also come from ourselves because you're happy.
I saw it on CNN last night. I'm not a doctor, but I saw it on CNN last night. Happy people and joy and having a purpose in your life is a great aid to�what's her name, Zann on CNN? Paula Zann, on breast cancer. By the way, that's true. Her positive attitude, she's smiling. Hello! Got a face! You're recovering. You've had a great conference. You've got a toilet that flushes. You've got so much to be happy about. Place your hand in the hand of God. Transformation. You did a great job last night, Bob. I saw you there, Bob.
Insight Nine�it's great�healthy relationships. Healthy relationships. You heard me say it: Don't hang around with crazy; crazy will make you crazy. If you want love, be with people that love. If you want joy, be with people who are happy. Even when I played Black Jack last night, sat down at a table, people were miserable. I knew they were going to pick on me because I've probably taken a ten when I shouldn't have. Changed tables...changed tables. I got a shock when I found it was at a $50 minimum. No wonder they were happy; they could afford it!
You may not be a very religious person, but do you know something? I know a lot of people who are not religious who are spiritual. I'm being serious now. And I know a lot of religious people who are not spiritual. So I'm saying it to you: You bought some affirmation books; read them. Read them! A lot of people put a lot into these books. Sometimes one line�one line�can change your life.
I remember at a conference hearing somebody saying that...here it is; you can write it down, if you want. If you write it down, use it. You teach people how to treat you. You teach people. If people treat you badly, healthy relationships is being with people because otherwise...and by the way, healthy relationships with people, of course, your lover, your husband, your wife. By the way, healthy relationship with God. I play with God. She plays with me. Did you hear that? Okay. Just thought I'd let you know, ladies.
Last, but not least. We're nearly there! Oh, we're nearly there! Three minutes, maybe four, depending on how you keep time. Say it with me now, it's Number Ten: Moving towards your heart's desire. Come on! There we go again, because we can do it. We've got a little rhythm going here now. �Do you know where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you, where are you going to, do you know?� <singing> I'm telling you, do you know? I'm planning a good future for me. I'm planning a good future for me. I've got good vacations, I've got a good home, I've got good friends. Do you see where you're going? Insight Ten, moving towards your heart's desire.
By the way, for those of you who would like, I have at the bookstore my E-mail list. I write articles. I'm going to be sending one to Counselor for the Counselor Magazine . By the way, they're free of charge to you. Also they tell you some of the conference speakings where I'll be. If you would like to be and you take the time�if you don't want to be on my E-mail list, don't bother signing up. Don't waste the time. I mean, don't go out of your way for me. But if you want to be on the E-mail list, take your time. But what I say to you, write clearly. Write clearly, otherwise it's a waste of time. Don't write like a doctor, okay? The other thing with it is my card is there if you want it.
Now, this is what I want to end with, and then we're going to end. By the way, remember this one book, if anybody wants this workbook, come over and get it now. Do you want it? I'll give it to you later. This is what I want to leave you with. This is what I want to leave you with, and for some of you it will be the most powerful thing.
About 15 years ago, I was talking about the moment when I saw myself, and a young man came over to me�it was in a recovery home�and he shook me by the hand. Just like, for example, the young men that we meet at The Ranch in Tennessee and the people we meet at Renaissance in Malibu. The same; they've got a moment. My moment was in a car crash. He came over to me, and he said, �Leo, do you think you could have a moment through a song? Have you ever listened to a song and you never heard it? Do you ever listen but you never heard it?� He said because he was going to go out and get some alcohol and go out to get some crack when a Beatles song came on, and this Beatles song just stopped him dead. I said, �What were the words of the song?� The words of the song that helped David�who knows, out of this whole talk, this is what you may remember�the words were these. When you give a talk, you can �let it be.� This is not �let it be,� for heavens' sake! �There's a rainbow �round my corner,� it's not one of those. These are the words; listen to them now:
When I was a young man, so much younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody's help in any way. But now those days are gone and I'm not so self-assured, now I find I've changed my mind and I've opened up the door. So help me. Help me if you can, I'm feeling down. And I do appreciate you being �round. Help me get my feet back on the ground. Won't you please, please, help me ?
He said, �Leo, there was help for me.� I said, �I know, David, because some years before there was help for me, too.� The message of the ACoA conference, the message that you've heard over these few days, is that there is help, there is power, there is love, and there is transformation. Let's leave here spreading it to the people that we love and we care about.
May God bless you and those that you love. <Applause.> Thank you. Thank you!
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