Growing Up in Recovery
In his new book, Clean A New Generation in Recovery Speaks Out, reality television celebrity Chris Beckman describes his recovery as a growing up process.
After more than 13 years of addiction – which started with alcohol at age 11, progressed to marijuana by age 13, and opened the door to harder drugs such as cocaine and methamphetamines – Beckman says it is “complex” being in recovery at a young age, describing his early days in recovery as, “clean at 23 and … still 13 emotionally.”
“Drugs and alcohol interrupt and stunt our maturation process,” Beckman says. “We're not rediscovering and reclaiming who we were before we were alcoholics and addicts – because we had not yet become who we would be.”
As if dealing with the daily challenges of recovery wasn't difficult enough, Beckman, then 24, was cast on MTV's The Real World, in the early months of his recovery. He moved to a loft in Chicago with six other people and spent the difficult first months of recovery in front of the camera, under the watchful eye of the public.
Beckman is now sharing his story with others on how he stays clean and sober after more than four years, amid “regular reminders that drugs and alcohol are readily available.” He often speaks to high school and college students about his very public recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, coping with sexual abuse as a child, and learning to admit and accept his homosexuality, in hopes that he can help others who are struggling with addiction.
Understanding Recovery
One of the most difficult concepts for his cast mates on The Real World and other friends to grasp about his recovery was that his addiction would never be “cured,” and he would never be able to drink again. This is the reason sober alcoholics and addicts refer to themselves as “recovering” rather than “recovered,” he explains.
This is something Beckman admits to struggling with in the early part of his recovery. Even with the many miserable memories tied to his drug use and alcoholism still fresh in his mind, the idea of giving up his lifestyle seemed very boring and dull. And after 60 days sober, Beckman turned a corner, but then became very judgmental of his friends who were still using drugs.
“I piously condemned their intelligence, but my reactions were really about me,” Beckman said. “I was simultaneously selfish and afraid with this new life I was choosing each day.”
Beckman credits the members of his 12-step groups and the wisdom they shared as an important part of his recovery. He found the biggest challenge was not in giving up the alcohol, drugs and social scene he had become accustomed to but, rather, “learning how to live as a person who can connect with other people, be useful, be creative, and have moments of genuine happiness.”
For a long time, partying took priority over everything else, according to Beckman, who said that even on his best days he felt “separate, isolated, and not present with the people and situations” around him.
“The truth is, even in the earliest days of drinking, I was already conning myself,” Beckman said. “I lied to myself about how much I drank, and I had to lie to my mother and other adults in order to drink. My lying became constant and indiscriminate.”
Like many others in recovery, he hit rock bottom – more than once – before realizing that his life was being controlled by his addiction. Beckman understood that sometimes people pay the ultimate price for their addiction – two of his uncles died from AIDS as a direct result of their drug addictions. Beckman recalls his first day of sobriety as “the day I finally gave in to the fact that I am an alcoholic/addict, and the day I began to surrender to all that fact means in my life.”
Although Beckman is proud of his accomplishments, he refuses to become complacent about his recovery. “Unless you choose to be a complete recluse, you can't live clean and sober without coming across regular reminders that drugs and alcohol are readily available.” According to Beckman, he now uses prayer and meditation to remove the temptation to use again.
Finding success as a model, and an artist in New York, Beckman says he sometimes wonders if he deserves his good fortune. He points out that as an addict he was “trapped in a vacant, selfish existence,” whereas sobriety gives him the opportunity to learn, grow and appreciate life.
Stephanie Muller is the editor of Counselor, The Magazine for Addiction Professionals. She can be contacted by email at: editor@counselormagazine.com .
For more information on Counselor, visit http://www.counselormagazine.com .
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