Codependency and Sex Addiction

Editor's Note: This article is adapted from an article entitled Women and Sex Addiction in the June 2006 issue of Counselor, The Magazine for Addiction Professionals. To read the entire article, visit the May/June 2006 Article Archive Section on www.counselormagazine.com

Partners and family members of sex addicts struggle with codependency, which often obscures women and their sex addiction. Co-sex addiction is a more reactive state than codependency to other addictions. If someone chooses alcohol over you, it is very difficult. The difficulty is compounded if your partner chooses other sex partners over you. The “wrath” of betrayal is catalyzed exponentially if the codependent is also acting out but has not yet been discovered. Sometimes we are angriest with others — with that which we hate in ourselves.

All coaddicts share nine processes in common. These processes are paths to powerlessness and unmanageability, and thus to coaddiction. They are signs that coaddiction is present.

1. Collusion. Most coaddicts actively support the addiction by covering up for the addict in some way. Powerful childhood rules about family image and secrecy have helped make them unwitting partners in the addictive process. Over two-thirds of our survey respondents kept secrets about the addict. Over one-half actually lied to cover up for the addict's behavior. Nearly three-quarters said that they actively worked to present a united front to the world. Another form of collusion was evidenced by the 37 percent who reported becoming “hyper” sexual in an effort to join with the addict.

2. Obsessive preoccupation. Coaddicts obsess about addicts and their lives. Thus, 62 percent of our survey respondents found themselves constantly thinking about the addict's behavior and motives. Moreover, 58 percent actually played detective, by checking mail, purses, and briefcases. A similar percentage found themselves so obsessed they would forget about other things. Over two-thirds clearly saw that their obsession was a way to avoid their own feelings.

3. Denial. When not obsessing, coaddicts lapse into ignoring the realities around them. In our survey, 83 percent mentioned setting aside their intuitions, while 43 percent said there were periods in which they totally denied the problem. Nearly three-quarters indicated that they would keep extra busy and overextended to avoid the problem. Despite failures, over two-thirds maintained the belief that they could eventually change the addict.

4. Emotional turmoil. Life for a coaddict is an emotional roller coaster. Approximately three-quarters of coaddict respondents indicated they went on emotional binges, that at times their emotions were simply out of control, and they experienced free-floating shame and anxiety. Almost two-thirds agreed with the statement that they always had a crisis or problem.

5. Manipulation. Coaddicts become manipulative in their drive to control their partner. Of the coaddict respondents, 61 percent recognized that they had tried and failed to control their partner's sexual acting out. The same number admitted using sex to manipulate their partner or patch up disagreements. Over half made threats to leave but never followed through. Almost all saw themselves as having played martyr, hero, or victim roles.

6. Excessive responsibility. In their obsession, coaddicts were extremely tough on themselves. Over three-quarters blamed themselves for the problem. Sixty-two percent believed that if they changed, the addict would stop. The same number took responsibility for the addict's behavior. In addition, many would actually seek extra responsibility; 59 percent indicated that they created dependency situations where they would be indispensable.

7. Compromise or loss of self. Coaddiction involves a constant series of compromises, which erodes one's sense of self. Thus 59 percent of our coaddicted respondents acted against their own morals, values, and beliefs. A full 61 percent gave up life goals, hobbies, and interests. Over one-half changed their dress or appearance to accommodate the addict. Forty-three percent accepted the addict's sexual norms as their own.

8. Blame and punishment. Coaddicts become blaming and punishing in their obsession. Almost two-thirds of coaddicts surveyed perceive themselves as having become progressively more self-righteous and punitive. Twenty-one percent had affairs to punish the addict or to prove that they were worthwhile and attractive. Over one-half saw their behavior as destructive to others. Perhaps the best indicator of coaddictive vengeance was the 36 percent who admitted to homicidal thoughts or feelings.

9. Sexual reactivity. Coaddicts went to various extremes in reacting sexually to their partner's behavior. Predominant, however, was the impulse to close down sexually. Over two-thirds of our respondents reported numbing their own sexual needs and wants. Over one-third would change clothes out of the addict's sight. Forty-three percent would make excuses not to be sexual. Two-thirds rarely felt intimate during sex.

TRAP DOORS: A clinical interview process

Clinicians have been seeking key questions to help in the assessment process for sex addicts. This type of interview would be similar to the CAGE process for alcoholism. Nine variables were identified out of a data set of 1,600 inpatients and 80,000 online assessments. These questions work for all patients regardless of gender or orientation. The variables have been placed to form the acronym TRAP DOORS which is in part acknowledgement of the difficult and unforeseen consequences that sex addicts often face. These variables become a series of questions which help diagnose and determine the severity of the addiction. The key questions are:

• Have you ever sought Treatment for problematic sexual behaviors? (Prior efforts to seek help is a key variable.)

• Have any of your Relationships been damaged or disturbed as a result of your sexual behavior? (Almost always there is a concern about relationship damage.)

• Were you sexually Abused as a child or adolescent? (Sexual abuse is a key antecedent for compulsive sex.)

• Are you Preoccupied with thoughts about sex? (Preoccupation is one of the defining issues in diagnosis.)

• Do you experience any symptoms of Depression because of your sexual behavior? (Despair, remorse, and feelings of hopelessness result from failure to manage sexual behavior.)

• Do you feel like your sexual behaviors are Out of Your Control? (Loss of control is another key defining variable for determining addiction's presence.)

• Have you ever felt the need to keep your sexual behavior Out of Sight? (Hiding behavior and living a double life characterize the sex addict's experience and deep distrust.)

• Have you engaged in dangerous, illegal, or otherwise Risky sexual behaviors? (Sexual risk is one of the hallmarks of sex addiction.)

• Have you experienced Shame because of your sexual behavior?

Patrick J. Carnes, PhD, CAS, a nationally known speaker and author on addiction and recovery issues, is the primary architect of Gentle Path treatment programs for the treatment of sexual and addictive disorders. He is currently the executive director of the Gentle Path program at Pine Grove Behavioral Center in Hattiesburg , Miss.